February 2012
1 post
January 2012
1 post
December 2011
1 post
That feeling when you have to pee really badly but you hold it for a long time and you’re finally relieved to make it to a urinal but when you finally actually get to the urinal you realize you’ve been so concentrated on not peeing that you actually kind of have to poop too so when you start to pee you start to kind of fart and you have to do that awkward urinal dance clenching and...
September 2011
1 post
Special Education Textbook
Actually, I do kind of like this book, but I digress. My favorite part of these educational books is the forced diversity in every picture. “Asian kid? Check. Black kid? Check check. Vague race? Check(o?). Kid in a wheelchair? Check. Aw yeah, hes white too, take that whitey.”
April 2011
2 posts
Self Indulgence
Much ado about BITCHES AND HOES BITCHES AND HOES. I just wanted to write that. Because why not.
Incomplete Metaphors
Sure we have miscarriages of justice and all, but what about abortions of justice? Pregnant justice stomach punches? Kicks to father-justice’s gonads? I for one will not stand for this dead baby of a situation. There really are no winners when you’re dealing with what we have here; an open and shut case of Justi-SIDS.
Edit: It’s my 100th post!
February 2011
1 post
Sometimes its hard to tell,
But every now again you’ll come across someone who has their head so far up their own ass that at first glance they’re normal, but in truth, theyve mobius-striped their cranium backwards through the entirety of the digestive tract and are putting on a nice charade for the rest of the world. You however, know better.
January 2011
2 posts
Guy who keeps saying "on the other hand"
I am but a man. With two hands. Maybe sometimes I wish I was Shiva, Hindu God of (I’m assuming) extra appendages. But I’m not. Unfortunately for you, that means you need to come up with some other comparative statement, lest one of my assumed-present fictitious hands gets up the nerve to flick you off. Go away, nobody likes you.
Urinalphobes
Ladies, I’m pretty sure you know that Mens Restrooms have urinals in them, but I realized I haven’t the foggiest idea of what goes on in Womens Restrooms as I was writing this post. I saw a couch in one once. A COUCH. Moving on. So there seems to be this unwritten rule, that if a restroom happens to have an odd number of urinals (say 3), you are to step to either the left or the right...
December 2010
3 posts
The Official Ball Droppers
YOU HAVE HER IN A GIANT BALL. DANGLING ABOVE TIME SQUARE. COULDN’T A ROPE BREAK OR SOMETHING? THERE ARE “(UN?)FORTUNATE ACCIDENTS” SOMETIMES RIGHT? PLEEEEEEASE? Go away, nobody likes you.
Twitter Gamers
Hey anonymous posters #1-100: Go fuck yourselves. Go away, nobody likes you.
November 2010
1 post
October 2010
8 posts
Professors Who Dilly Dally With Grade Posting
I will cut a bitch. Go away (right after you tell me what I got on my test), nobody likes you.
Creepy guys listening to inappropriate pop songs.
I would pay good money to hear Chris Hanson say “You’ve whipped your hair back and forth for the last time” in a grave tone.
People who use "gay" instead of "bad"
“Man, thats gay” is not a legitimate response when I just suggested a movie you didnt like. Its basically slapping a big sign on your back that says “I’m still emotionally a 6th grader.” We’ve moved past this people, its out of the lexicon. I mean, it would be OK sometimes I guess, and even occasionally necessary. Like, if you were walking down the street and...
Grautitous Fuckers
Don’t get me wrong tumblr community, I’m all about Fuck. In fact you could say I fucking love fuck. But some fuckers out there are ruining it with their over-fucker-ing. Fuck my Life. Fuck that shit. Fuck you and Fuck your mother. I dont give a fuck. Enough already! Its fun to say sure, but you’re over doing it. Leave it for at least semi-special occasions. Jeesh. Go the freak...
Fake Farts
Ok, maybe this sounds silly but stick with me on this. Maybe I shouldn’t have had that 4th handful of apricots, but damnit they’re tastey. And I was doing my best to be a champ about it and take the whole situation in stride. So no, I didnt let one rip in public, but you made everyone think I did mr. fake-fart. You, the gurgling gluttoral noise creeping from my stomach while I was...
People who like Kim Kardashian
Its kind of a roundabout thing, but you liking her, means nobody else likes you. Its like a self-fulfilling prophecy or something. A social dunce cap if you will. Also, its kind of meta that your liking her makes people dislike you. JUST KIDDING. But really, go away, nobody likes you.
Internet Friend Whores
Not to be confused with IRL friend whores. Speaking of which, anybody in Gainesville FL wanna get lunch some time? You know you do.
People who cough in the library and dont cover...
Shit’s nasty. This air does not circulate all that well. Go away, nobody likes you.
September 2010
6 posts
Girl who I heard say "I'm carpe dieming"
I don’t even. Go away, nobody likes you.
Tumble, Rinse, Repeat
1) Find random tumblr of cute girl
2) Become enchanted
3) Realize she lives nowhere near you
4) Bawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
2 tags
Humans and/or Zombies
I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL. THIS IS A PLACE OF HIGHER EDUCATION, NOT THE GODDAMN KINDERGARTEN PLAYGROUND. This is all. Go away, nobody likes you.
Thought of the day:
Self-Tanner is nature’s dunce cap.
July 2010
3 posts
Passive Aggressives
Sometimes in life, you just feel the need to strike up a conversation with someone, just really, you know, CONNECT. Or you could just cower away on the internet with facebook status updates that show youre starved for attention. “Boy, CRAZY DAY TODAY.” “Flat Tire :-(” “Life just isnt what I thought it would be.” Clogging my feed with cries for sympathy is making...
Insufferable Tumblayouts
So here’s how it played out: I was following etiquette. You followed me out of the blue, so I had to take the time to stalk your page. Its only fair. Come to find, you just have one page of stuffs for me to judge. Or so I thought, until I saw those super-quirky things that I thought were just pictures of whatever turned out to be the forward/backward buttons. Come the fuck on here. Etiquette...
2 tags
April 2010
4 posts
Randomers
You are, utterly off topic. I want to know how your day was. That was a simple question, not an invite for unadulterated nonsense. You cherrytop it with “lol, im so random.” Which would be fine i guess, except we’re kind of not 11 anymore. just saying. Go away, nobody likes you.
3 tags
March 2010
4 posts
February 2010
18 posts
People recommending their personal tumblogs via...
fawn-:
Really? How is that even allowed?
I won’t call anyone out because I’m not a jerk.
She may not be, but I sure am. Ease up on the self promotion there guys and gals. Go away, nobody likes you.
A Cappella Enthusiasts Who Arent Bobby Mcferrin
Maybe “for the longest time” is OK too, but just because you can hum and whistle doesnt make you the next hot thang. pick up a guitar and get a-pluckin’, because my ears, theyre a-bleedin’. Go away, nobody likes you.
Shoes With Toesers
If youre a cutesy girl, its a cutesy thing to have one or two pair of rainbow toesy socks. thats totally legit, and rightly cutesy. These things are a monstrosity though. I mean honestly. you. look. ridiculous. Sure its the future, but its not the future the 80’s envisioned. Go away, nobody likes you.
Health Nuts
A wiser-than-i’ll-ever-be old man once old me: “go eat a fucking pizza.” damn. now thats wisdom. go away, nobody likes you.
People Who Make "Global Warming My Ass" Jokes When...
This stopped being funny 5 minutes after we walked out of “an inconvenient truth” and it was snowing. The earth is on an axis and it occasionally gets cold based on the position relative to the sun?!?? you shut right up! Go away, nobody likes you.
Girl Who Farted Next to Me at the Gym
DONT YOU LOOK AWAY FROM ME. I KNOW IT WAS YOU. I HAD TO BREATHE THAT SHIT IN. GOD DAMN IT ANYWAY WOMAN. Go away, nobody likes you.
Fuck-Haters
You prudes. You fucking prudes. See what I did there. Yeah, you did. I think we should make fuck the american SI unit for big things. Megaton? Whats that? Is that heavy? Fuckton; now thats fucking heavy. Thats like two aircraft carriers crossed with that immovable object thing from the unstoppable force story. Go away, nobody likes you.
People Who Hate Valentines Day
Excuse me. Valentine died for your STD’s. He only wanted peace and copious amounts of carefree lovin’. How dare you spit on his name with your “the cure” and “tears of loneliness”. Guys, grow a pair and eat some chocolate. Ladies, grow a lady-pair and have some heart shaped peeps. Go away, nobody likes you.
Words in the Dictionary That Are Defined With...
Reverent: a feeling characterized by reverence. REALLY? LYK OMG NO WAY. i feel dirty. go away, nobody likes you.
People Playing Battleship Who Say "I 1" in the...
Ok, maybe I was the only one that did this. But i reveled in my cocky worldplay and your sudden look of confusion. I even flashed a toothy grin when you rolled your eyes. I should go away, people I played battleship with dont like me.