January 2010
25 posts
Midnight Tokers
IT’S FOUR IN THE FUCKING MORNING AND YOU SET OFF THE MOTHERFUCKING SMOKE ALARM I SWEAR TO GOD IM GOING TO MAKE YOU INTO A BONG. Go away, nobody likes you.
(what do you want from me, marilyn monroe is a good looking lady. need to sex this tumblr up a bit and steal some of that boner party traffic.)
Faux-Angrys
You yell and you scream and you bear those chompers all day long. But you’re not really filled with piss and vinegar. More like saline and salad dressing. Cool your jets, its cool if you used to like N-Sync, i’ll only make fun of you a little. Go away, nobody likes you.
Baby Mohawkers
Your child is such a unique little special little precious little guy or gal, that they just need to be super-different huh? Thats all fine and good, but spare the kid a mohawk. Or worse yet a faux-hawk. Its made all the worse if theyre spread eagle. That doesnt make sense, but damnit its a bird pun. Go away, nobody likes you.
Panties-In-A-Bunchers
Really guys, try on some metaphorical boxers. Its free of worry and angst in that liberating sort of way, I promise. For the ladies, maybe briefs. Or not, no biggie. Go away, nobody likes you.
Gnome it alls
I see you, sitting there all content and smug with your mug on a rug. Really, who the fuck knows the actual name of the gnome from the travelocity commercials? You and the army of go fuck yourself, thats who. Go away, nobody likes you.
Foreign Language Touretters
“Hola, how are you my dear on this most wonderful of dias?” Really? Had to break out your spanish heritage for “hello” and “day” huh? You dont even like taco bell. Go away, nobody likes you.
Nonchalanters
BOOM! SHABLAM! POW! BIFF! Oh hi there, I notice you havent budged from your steely death stare. You in the really loud music video that plays guitar all hard and badass-like without the obligatory headbanging and jumping and jamming. I see you. And I know what youre doing. Oh, I’m on to you. Go away, nobody likes you.
Soap Boxes
Hey, howsabout you do your intended purpose and carry some goddamn soap instead of perching up blowhards? Go away, nobody likes you.
Textual Enhancements
T-9, you’re so aught-y its ridiculous. Get some qwerty in your life. Go away, nobody likes you.
Violent Mints
Peppermint? Spearmint? Mint Mojito? Are you refreshing me or trying to sabotage my spring break? Go away, nobody likes you.
Trivializers
“Hey, whats there to eat around here, I’m starved. What, you ate the last piece of fucking pizza? God dammit man, I havent eaten all day and my toe is stubbed! Now I know what Uncle Carl means when he keeps talking about the shitty conditions back in nam….” Go away, nobody likes you.
Freudian Nips
Er, um, slips! Yeah, those! Slips! BREASTS!!! Damn it all. Go away, nobody likes you.
Guy Pooping In The Stall Next To Me
Yesterday, I wandered in the bathroom and I had to pee something furious. Unfortunately the urinals were full up so I decided to forsake the teachings of al gore and pee in the bowl. That’s when it hit me. The rancid smell of panic. Of course I immediately hold my breath, but as the pee kept coming and coming, my precious oxygen supply began to wane. I debated whether to pee harder and...
Guy Who Shoots People In Reno Just To Watch Them...
Ouch. I was totally using that body. I had tickets to the show too. Douche. Go away, nobody likes you.
Pants(lessness?)
This is an existential crisis. My passion of being without pant is being stomped all over by old man winter. Sure its fun to be free, but at WHAT COST? COLD THIGHS? No thank you. I guess ive come to know and love the warm confining embrace that is corduroy…Life sans-pant, go away, nobody likes you.
Homosexual Unease Following Application of...
Hey there, shiny lips. Seems your lips are, shiny. GO AWAY, BECAUSE I AM A MAN. Also, nobody likes you.
Uncool Beans
Im looking at you, pinto. Bringing my soup down with your pintocity. Looking like some sort of tastey jelly bean and then being lame later on. I’m sick of it. Go away, nobody likes you.
Gym Grunters
UNGRHRHHHH. Thats either you splitting your bicep or me grinding my teeth. I’m not sure which. Hows about I punch you in the throat and give you something to really grunt about. Growing a hernia doesnt make you sexy, it makes you herniated. Go away, nobody likes you.
*User Submission* Thanks to Jessica from Austin
Fuck-My-Lifers
Hah! Its funny because youre a broken shell of yourself and all alone, with only various internet FMLers to commiserate with. Boy you bunch have some shittastic lives. But i spilled coffee on myself. WHO WILL LISTEN TO MY TALE OF PITY AND WOE? Go away, nobody likes you.
Fitzelfutzers
Thats a nonsense word you say? Nonsense I say. I don’t think any smarmy caption is really necessary here. The Fitzel Futzered himself. Go away, nobody likes you.
Excessive Commas
What are you doing in my sentence? Clogging it all up with your pauses for dramatic effect. I get that my William Shatner impersonation isn’t up to snuff, but please, I, cant, take, much, more….captain. Go away, nobody likes you.
Half-Zip Sweaters
What is your purpose? Why are you here? Why must you warm our torsos, yet expose our necks so harshly? Go away, nobody likes you.
*User Submission* Thanks to prettygreen.tumblr.com
Hipsters Who Try Too Hard
Oh I get it. Youre being ironic. By ironing a shirt with text that says “pump irony” and a picture of a bulging bicep. Its funny because youre scrawny. Not. Go away, nobody likes you.
Non-Telescoping Camera Lenses
What good are you for my rampant use of prop-aided sexual innuendo? NONE. Go away, nobody likes you.